Full Disclosure

So what really happens at the 'divorce/separation recovery' ministry group?

We began the meeting in our semi-circle, introducing ourselves and giving a brief background on where we were from. What started out as such, quickly turned into a detailed account of how long we've been separated/divorced, how it happened, 'where we were in the process' etc. 

Most memorable was Rooster's story. I call him Rooster because his hair peaks above his head, dead center and swooshes like a rooster's comb. He had the sort of bearded grungy look with incredibly greasy dark brown hair laden with streaks of 'light'. He also had a beer belly and was wearing an un-tucked solid color Hawaiian style button down shirt. He spoke with a confident voice that projected much farther than need be and when uncomfortable, he smiled with an under-bite. The under-bite thing was peculiar, but, his nervous habit, as I later found out. Rooster began his introduction like this, in a confident, matter of fact tone 'Separated to the basement since September, but really been separated....*pause to think*....physically since '06, emotionally, since '95'. 

WHAT! About this time I was mentally picking my jaw up from the floor. First of all, TMI, but I am glad you went there. So many questions raced through my head when he said this. Well shortly after he blurted out such personal information, I discovered that he had been married for 31 years and had 4 kids, 2 adopted. What do you do? he asks, as his eyes teared up and he smiled with an under-bite. Oh lord, I thought, am I going to be able to handle this. This guy is living in a whole new level of dysfunction and sadly it's making me feel better about my own 'situation'.

I've thought a lot about Rooster since. Like how he must be a pretty strong individual to be with someone for 31 years, of which almost half of that time he has been unhappy. My initial sense of him is that he doesn't have as much confidence as he displays amongst the group, but he would like to. He seemed fairly smart, but I would bet that he has a hard time getting people to take him seriously. I also wouldn't be surprised if he had a difficult time keeping a job, given these idiosyncrasies in his personality, but he's obviously not a quitter. He talked a bit about his own childhood, and how it wasn't up to par (shocker right). I'd like to ask him, Why are you still there? If it is for the kids, how do you think your being in the basement is affecting them? How long do you expect to be 'physically' apart from your wife? ( I am assuming you are not getting any anywhere else, because that would be adultery.) Do you stay in the basement all the time? Is there cable down there? Who cooks? Why not just leave and work out a custody agreement? To me, you moving to the basement doesn't seem like the solution. Are you two trying to work it out? If you were emotionally separated since '95, why did you have more kids, as I am assuming some of those 4 came within the past 16 years? So many unanswered questions, but in the end, my heart goes out to him and I can even see some of myself in him.

So, what is my conclusion on this group? My stronger, stoic part says, 'Get out from the middle of these FREAKS! and my sensitive side says, this is where those at the bottom of the barrel go for support. The ones that are rejected everywhere else. The ones that have lost touch with all their friends, have no immediate family support and are devastated at the turn their life has taken. My rational side says....there's a lot to be learned from this group and a lot to be given. This is certainly an interesting group of individuals so....I think I'll stick around for awhile....after all, aren't I a freak now too?